In what can only be vicious cruelty or possibly criminal negligence, my girlfriend frequently leaves the television on CNN when she goes to work. When I wake up, my inability to comprehend the world around me until I’ve taken in about four cups of coffee, often prevents me from noticing what’s on the television while I stare at my computer. After a healthy dose of caffeine has run through my system, the vapid talking heads on the Cable News Network come into focus and I am subjected to the events of the world. This is a horrible state of affairs as I try to avoid the news until I’ve had enough scotch to numb the torturous effects of learning what Charlie Sheen is doing this week. The 24 hours news network’s sole purpose, it seems, is to assault us with the idiotic behavior of celebrities. They’re like Jerry Springer but with less of a conscience.
A few days ago, my hangover was interrupted by the sudden fear that I was back in the 1990’s because Dennis Rodman was on my TV. As it turns out, Rodman is the first American to meet North Korea’s new leader – not president, that title still belongs to his dead grandfather – Kim Jong Un. After Rodman tweeted about what a swell guy Kim Jong Un is, the news media took it upon themselves to talk about how wrong it was to tweet such kind words about such an evil dictator. He was even interviewed by George Stephanopolis so that his statements might be clarified and perhaps he could learn a thing or two about his new pal. And that interview has been rebroadcast and analyzed ad nauseum by all the other news outlets.
As soon as I noticed what was happening on my television, I quickly changed the channel to Navy Seals on HBO, because I wanted nothing to do with the Dennis Rodman story. But, because I have serious psychological problems, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why in sweet hell would anyone ask Dennis Rodman about anything ever? There is literally nothing that he could say that would be anything anyone should ever have to hear. He’s Dennis Rodman, the mentally deficient sports player who made press because he dyed his hair and behaved like an awful shithead in the 1990’s. The only thing Dennis Rodman can speak on with any authority is bouncing an orange ball, and fucking Madonna. But there’s about a hundred other people who can give more up to date information about both. And now, in 2013, they’re reporting his opinions about a tyrannical dictator. Goddammit!
For the sake of being thorough, and to get a good screen capture, I actually watched the interview. I’ll save you, dear reader, the IQ diminishing agony of watching it yourself by just telling you to imagine a meth-addicted clown with Alzheimer’s talking about austerity measures in Greece, and the clown decides to use an unidentifiable accent for no fucking reason.
Yes, I want to know about North Korea. I also want to know more about our government screwing us all over by bowing down to big business interests. I want to know about the president that I begrudgingly voted for, killing more civilians than terrorists with drone strikes. But I don’t want to know what a retarded carny thinks about it.